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Put your CUM*
In our ASS**

*cAPITAL UNDER MANAGEMENT

**ANALYTICAL STOCK STRATEGIES

Cumshitter III CFP, CFA, VC, KCB, KCIE

Cumshitter III
CFP, CFA, VC, KCB, KCIE

About Us

Hello, I’m Cumshitter. Certified Financial Planner, Chartered Financial Analyst, recipient of the Victoria Cross, Knight Commander of the Bath, Knight Commander of the Indian Empire and, most importantly, proud father of three.

I understand how investing for you and your children’s future can be hard. But there’s no reason you can’t be too. That’s why we here at Capital Under Management strive to be number one in client servicing. And if a little hand action under the table can help our clients understand the difference between Post-Tax and Tax-Deferred investment accounts then our financial professionals are more than happy to go the extra mile.

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Are you a shark or a sheep?

What are you waiting for you little bitch? Every second you’re out of the market is money lost. Don’t listen to your wife. If she makes you sleep on the couch tonight I will personally blow you. We can make a night of it. I will take you to the fanciest restaurant in town and make you feel like a god damned princess. We will show that bitch who’s boss.

Act now. Be a man. Be a shark. Be a manshark.

we get results

We’ve been putting CUM in ASSes since 1958. And since then we’ve averaged returns of 700% per year for our clients.

Every year I personally fly myself and several of our top performers out to Omaha for our annual tradition of kicking in the door to Warren Buffett’s shitbox hovel and shoving our performance analytics in his stupid gnomish face. And every year he says the same thing: “How did you get past my security?!”

We can do the same for you.

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Our Equity Strategies

The Little Bitch

A diversified portfolio of green energy, innovative biotech, electric automobile, and other socially conscious stocks for the conscientious investor. Comes with a sissy pink “I Bought Stock and I Made a Difference!” ribbon and a firm slap on the ass.

Minimum Investment: $500,000


The Socially Irresponsible Investor

A high-dividend strategy with a collection of tobacco, firearm, private prison, alcohol, and consumer lending stocks. Our team strives to maintain a beta slightly below 1.00 to shield you from market downturns. In fact, you will benefit immensely from wider market chaos.

Minimum Investment: $250,000


Alphabet Soup for the Idiot’s Soul

A selection of ETFs and Mutual Funds with wide exposure to domestic and international markets with sector weighting determined by our forward thinking analysts. You won’t understand a word of it, so I’ll just slowly stroke you off during performance reviews.

Minimum Investment: $50,000


If you should somehow gain access to our office I will graciously escort you to the fire escape. I may even validate your parking.

Minimum Investment: $1

The Grand Tour

 

Testimonials

 
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John fettergelder, 35, 6.5”

His office was a little strange, but Mr. Cumshitter himself was extremely professional. He analyzed my portfolio in a matter of minutes and noted that my Vanguard Target Retirement 2050 owned a significant portion of another fund I already owned, the Vanguard US Large Cap. I had no idea how overexposed I was in that sector, and Mr. Cumshitter helped me structure a more diversified portfolio.

It was odd talking to him through the “business hole,” as he called it, but his advice was extremely on point. I learned more about investing in 5 minutes than I had in my entire life.

If he puts you on hold do not look through the business hole.


Reynaldo Vasquez, 52, 5.7”

I didn’t even know it was his office. Our initial consultation was a very, very happy accident.

Mr. Cumshitter educated me on the risk profile of my holdings. I had not reviewed my holdings in years, and Mr. Cumshitter moved me into a more bond heavy and tax advantaged strategy appropriate for my retirement timeline. As a citizen of California, I was completely unaware that moving into a California municipal bond strategy would make my interest income tax-free at both the state and federal level.

Mr. Cumshitter really took the time to educate me and he really cares about his clients. Don’t let his professionality fool you, he is fully capable of being both a very good friend and an honest financial advisor.

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Mariana Henderson, 22, 0.0”

My bestie Stephan and I were partying at C-Frenz one night. He snuck some blow behind one of the men’s room stalls and told me to go help myself to a bump. When I walked in I started laughing because lol like seriously, a glory hole? I didn’t know those were a thing. I was like, “Hello, anyone there?”

Then some weirdo in a suit in the next stall started shrieking through the hole and told me that my “dickless ass was taking up valuable space.” I’ve never been so scared.

 

Contact Us

You can find me at random hours in my office in the middle stall of the men’s restroom of C-Frenz, Reseda’s premiere gay bar. Just walk into either end stall and talk into the business hole.

Or enter your information below and one of our representatives will follow up with you within one business day.

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